I'm worried.

Really, really worried. I think we did something really wrong. It has to get better at some point.

100 for placing second in the PSA contest and winning $300 for school.

Comedy of Errors later.

My socks don't match.

100 for helping film the Teen Safety Initiative thing and for taking a leadership position in class.

Never a dull day.

Next week's gonna be sweeeeeeeeeet.

Back to real journals.

It's like actual school. What?

So I started Hamlet, and then got your email. Sooooooooooooooo, Comedy of Errors time.

So Egeon's really upset and junk because he's going to be executed for not paying a fine. He's telling the Duke of what happened to him and his family. Super sad, actually. So he's happy and with a wife and junk, and she has twins (two boys). The same day, some really poor chick has twin boys that Egeon takes to be his son's slaves. Egeon's family goes on some sort of sea voyage, and the boat was hit by a crazy tsunami of death, leaving Egeon saving his own life at one side of the boat and his wife with one slave and one son at the other, having their lives saved. He never saw his children or wife after that. After he confesses his horrible story, he's granted one more day to pay his fine so he won't be executed.

That's where I stopped.

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I'm guessing I'll have to become more apathetic about things like this. Not ambivalent like I thought. Just apathetic. Madonna makes me feel better. My nail polish is chipping. So is my sanity.

PG: 100 for holding my own against my class and explaining why doing one big film is a bad idea and trying to have them not get married to the idea and to not be dogmatic about it, and trying to make sure things didn't get discombobulated. I think today everyone who's awesome should get a 100. Just saying.

I think I'm making the right decision by separating myself from my class. They really haven't proven themselves to be independent or efficient enough to actually put up a showcase on their own, which I think this year's mainstage was supposed to prepare them to do. Since I'll be learning independently with internships and junk, why not start now? Really. It can't do much damage. I'll SM the actual production and help out if I'm there, but other than that...not so much.

Next year's going to blow. Huge. But I'm still excited to get the fuck outta hur and do my own showcase.

And do my portfolio.

I think I might be more excited for this Freshmen Showcase than I was for my own.

Anyway, though. I need to get in contact with some of these companies ASAP.

Btdubs, I saw Lou in school today. Woop.

I FORGOT TO JOURNAL YESTERDAY. Crap

100 for yesterday for fulling striking the show and seeing Colin and Brad at the state theater.

100 for today for cleaning up the auditizz and figuring the whole thing out with the skype or googlechat thing. We're going to Bicsko on Monday morning; my bad for thinking Mike could competently do an errand.

HOLY GOD I'M GOING TO COLLEGE!!!

I want to be out of this shithole.

So I didn't blog yesterday.

So I should get an 89 for yesterday; really didn't do anything today.

Today: 100 for coming back during my other classes and helping strike.

...I'm saving my anger for another blog. I just want to say that the morning class is a huge disappointment.

Honestly(thoughts from the past week that have all come together in this fantastic blog)?

Below are the thoughts I've had over this past week. The shit's hitting the fan, ladies and gents. So is my brain.

If you don't want to hear a classic complaining blog, then don't read it. It's the fucking Catalina wine mixer.

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AAAAAAAAAAAHKFHSKJFHSKSKFHJSHDKSJK

ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED, YOU STUPID BITCH?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! REALLY?! REALLY.

God.

Rude? You're a conceited, idiotic ingrate who can't tell professionalism from being a 'liddle bitch.' Spelled 'little' wrong, champ. You're 17. good job!

You're the reason I feel fucking inadequate at this job, and I've been scared to actually tried to do anything else. Why? Because I know I'll actually do it wrong and the show will fail and it will partially be my fault.

But either way, isn't that what's going to happen?

People like you shouldn't be in this business. EVeryone else in your situation learned, because they don't have a thick skull. You feel like you should be respected? Respect your peers first. I'm just as stubborn as you.

BUT MOTHERFUCKING WAIT. Isn't this what is killing my performance in this show? That I'm not respecting the people who don't know? My stubbornness is ruining it. I'm sorry.

No, I'm not. Fuck you. FUCK YOU. Scared, immature moron.

I'm scared. I'm not going to do it right.

You fucking retard, I won't let you control me. I don't know why I get so upset \.

I feel realy guilty when I see someone else working and I'm not. When I see Lea working and I catch myself just jacking off talking to someone. I feel bad. She probably thinks I'm a fucking moron, and I would really like to have that contact, not to mention her respect being a guest artist.

And when I care too much, I stop caring. I'm not trying, and it scares me a lot. I'm trying to try. Wow. I'm fucking pathetic.

I'm not getting upset about when things go wrong. I feel bad that I'm not freaking out like Aladren does every day. That I'm not having mini fucking coronaries when those people came, among other things.

That I can't lead anyone for jack shit. When the republicans came, Matt complete held the reins and I just stood there. Why? Why can't I be more like him? And defend myself and the program when we need it the most?

All I do is bitch and complain and joke around, and nothing really gets done under my supervision.

Technically, the whole production was under 'my supervision', but I know that Matt, Travis, and Sisco did it. Just like the Senior SHowcase.

Chelsea is just the one you have to watch so when she freaks out, you can really get the job done. She can't do it. If you're reading this right now, please listen to Matt, Travis and/or Sisco. They actually know what they're doing, even if I say I am, I honestly don't.

I feel like I just stand there and tell actors to shut up, and I can't even do that correctly. The seniors and Aladren have to tell them to be quiet. I can't even handle 30 fucking teenagers, let alone managing myself and professionals. If my peers could professionally stage manage, how come I can't handle this one show?

I don't have any fucking answers. Mother of fucking God.

And when people say 'Seniors to the Rescue!' and talk about how the seniors really did this mainstage, what do they expect me to say? And why are they surprised when I have breakdowns?

I won't be fucking surprised if she fucking gives up on me by the end of N3RD. I let them down. Honestly.