Honestly(thoughts from the past week that have all come together in this fantastic blog)?

Below are the thoughts I've had over this past week. The shit's hitting the fan, ladies and gents. So is my brain.

If you don't want to hear a classic complaining blog, then don't read it. It's the fucking Catalina wine mixer.

____________________________________________________

AAAAAAAAAAAHKFHSKJFHSKSKFHJSHDKSJK

ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED, YOU STUPID BITCH?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! REALLY?! REALLY.

God.

Rude? You're a conceited, idiotic ingrate who can't tell professionalism from being a 'liddle bitch.' Spelled 'little' wrong, champ. You're 17. good job!

You're the reason I feel fucking inadequate at this job, and I've been scared to actually tried to do anything else. Why? Because I know I'll actually do it wrong and the show will fail and it will partially be my fault.

But either way, isn't that what's going to happen?

People like you shouldn't be in this business. EVeryone else in your situation learned, because they don't have a thick skull. You feel like you should be respected? Respect your peers first. I'm just as stubborn as you.

BUT MOTHERFUCKING WAIT. Isn't this what is killing my performance in this show? That I'm not respecting the people who don't know? My stubbornness is ruining it. I'm sorry.

No, I'm not. Fuck you. FUCK YOU. Scared, immature moron.

I'm scared. I'm not going to do it right.

You fucking retard, I won't let you control me. I don't know why I get so upset \.

I feel realy guilty when I see someone else working and I'm not. When I see Lea working and I catch myself just jacking off talking to someone. I feel bad. She probably thinks I'm a fucking moron, and I would really like to have that contact, not to mention her respect being a guest artist.

And when I care too much, I stop caring. I'm not trying, and it scares me a lot. I'm trying to try. Wow. I'm fucking pathetic.

I'm not getting upset about when things go wrong. I feel bad that I'm not freaking out like Aladren does every day. That I'm not having mini fucking coronaries when those people came, among other things.

That I can't lead anyone for jack shit. When the republicans came, Matt complete held the reins and I just stood there. Why? Why can't I be more like him? And defend myself and the program when we need it the most?

All I do is bitch and complain and joke around, and nothing really gets done under my supervision.

Technically, the whole production was under 'my supervision', but I know that Matt, Travis, and Sisco did it. Just like the Senior SHowcase.

Chelsea is just the one you have to watch so when she freaks out, you can really get the job done. She can't do it. If you're reading this right now, please listen to Matt, Travis and/or Sisco. They actually know what they're doing, even if I say I am, I honestly don't.

I feel like I just stand there and tell actors to shut up, and I can't even do that correctly. The seniors and Aladren have to tell them to be quiet. I can't even handle 30 fucking teenagers, let alone managing myself and professionals. If my peers could professionally stage manage, how come I can't handle this one show?

I don't have any fucking answers. Mother of fucking God.

And when people say 'Seniors to the Rescue!' and talk about how the seniors really did this mainstage, what do they expect me to say? And why are they surprised when I have breakdowns?

I won't be fucking surprised if she fucking gives up on me by the end of N3RD. I let them down. Honestly.