last blog for credit. ever.

this is really, really sad.

this blog's been an incredible thing for me, even if i haven't done much of it this year. it's been a great outlet along with a great excuse to get myself a good grade. i'd just like to thank you for having me do these, because they helped me when i needed to be all teenagery and express myself and grow as a person and all of that dumb crap. it was a fantastic experience.

well, anyway:

100 for today for my mesmerizing workshop-taking skills. he was, like, a 6.5 out of a ten. if you can't find anyone else, it'll work.

i'm glad to leave. i'm sad to leave. i still haven't fully realized it yet, though. it feels like the end of an era. most high school kids don't take graduation that seriously, so i don't know if i'm overreacting (like i do with most things). the whole idea of college has been impounded into my brain since i was 14 years old. it's three years later. i'm in. it doesn't feel like as big of an accomplishment as it should be. i seriously can't fathom how a lot of kids my age don't think of college as a make-or-break kind of thing; it's really weird.

all i'm hoping for is that i'm not as completely mortified to start college as i was to start high school. if i close up like that again i'll be incredibly disappointed with myself. here's hoping, because being me would be pretty great. also looking forward to summer, so there's that, too.

farewell, blog. our hatelationship has finally drawn to a whiny end.

k bye

what can i say at this point?

100 for tuesday for cleaning up, then dressy dinner.

I AM A COLLEGE FRESHMAN. i'm going to college. help.

100 for wednesday for flipping audition night.

so, it sort of sucked a lot. lesson learned and poor michelle. i love her.

100 for today for the photoshoot for the freshman showcase.

did it. everyone is done but fi's. i don't know when she is coming back but we'll do it then.

jdijsdklfjdkslfjsdklfjdksljfkdlsjfdklsdljfkdsljfkdls I AM SO OLD

doin' it rite.

100 for today, for sitting through that massacre that was the film guy's audition class. really? 'you've SEEN citizen kane?' yeah. so have millions of people. it's been around for a while.

the whole experience of the freshmen showcase taught me a lot. it taught me about working with people and how to not direct something. so, that was good.

also, 100 on friday and thrusday for the showcase.

it's really starting to end.

105 for today (wednesday) and yesterday.

here's hoping.

great fucking day

100 for tech

mmmbop diigy dock shoowop

100 for being on honor roll, getting edumacated with foods, and finding costumes for my actors.

Tech week is fast-approaching and we're not ready. Like, we're really, really not ready. I'm sort of freaked out. I just want to take all of Monday afternoon to just rip their shit apart and make a collage of a play-y bits. You know. It might happen. Maybe.

Nah, it will.

ug

Participation -- 100 for doing moments, generally rehearsing without shooting them in the face.

So, today was interesting. I casually ask my actors what their super objectives were...and they didn't know. Needless to say, I was pissed. Frustrated and pissed. I was wondering what wasn't working because there seemed to be a pretty sizable disconnect from what they thought was happening and what was actually happening in rehearsal. I wasn;t an acting major for too long but I certainly know it doesn't take more than 20 minutes to do action sheets for a ten-minute play. But, I digress:

I'm cutting my losses at this point and just literally telling them everything I want them to do. Every movement, choice, character work and anything else I can think of; completely going for broke. I'm literally puppeteering. It's not going as well as I wanted it to but if the show happens, it happens and that is my goal. Hoping it will be as good as possibly it can be.

k so

it's all about the product.

100 for finishing some lovely blocking with my people.

today went a jillion times better than yesterday. i got the movement that i wanted in there and i think the rest is open to the rest of our rehearsal process, cause i can feel them being a little restricted and it feels a bit awkward with them not moving much most of the time -- they'll be in their seats for the climax so working around lights won't be that big of a problem when it comes down to it.

brian is so closed up and ally is quiet and isn't committing quite yet, but those are the only big problems i'm having. he's made a big jump from the beginning. i hope he knows that when i tell him to do something else that i'm not insulting him...i'll go over that tomorrow.

i still need to go over the pacing i need with them, but a good percentage of it comes naturally anyway. so ya, eet was goot.

Let's not. I'm also posting journals from last week

Today (5/31/11) -- 100 for at least trying to direct with them and getting my ass reamed.

We ventured out into what I call nottablework which may or may not include a healthy mixture of moment work and blocking. And it was better than just sitting, shooting the fucking breeze and doing pointless character work with them. We're getting somehwere.

Yeah, I'm a bad person who doesn't care about my show because I thought my director's book was in my bag when it actually wasn't. I'm sorry for not bringing it in; it definitely was not on purpose, and you know I'll punish myself more than anyone else for not showing my actors some fucking common courtesy.

It's official -- I have no clue what I'm doing and it's starting to show. Brian and Ally are being really, really good sports at working through this and I really respect them for it. I am just really, really frustrated with myself for not doing the amount of work I should be doing. I barely did events, groundplan, and my simple, simple homework to top it all off. Like, I couldn't even stick to a proper schedule? Really? I'm a stage management major for shit's sake.

After that first day I felt like I sort of gave up because I didn't know how to do it, and I was afraid I wouldn't do it well. Those lectures made me feel like a complete ingrate, especially when I couldn't tell Aladren the events and theme of the fucking thing. You'd think for as long as I've been here I would have learned not to do that, especially when it's for Brian's benefit and not mine. I feel like I owe it to him because he's a freshman technically, but also that I don't because he's already in a theatre college. At any rate, though, it's for him and not me. I know this whole thing isn't a matter of right and wrong on a whole, but sometimes it really is.

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I can't tell a story to finally get over it and tell the goddamn story.

I'm aware that this is all introspective, self-serving bullshit. Is punching a wall cool?

_________________

Anyway:

Friday -- 105 (?) for working the dance show.

That talk with Hayley and Alicia was a killer. I sympathize. I absolutely loathe freshmen and middle school-age girls. They're vicious, pimply twats who don't know what terrible damage they're doing. I think she'll be fine, though.

Thursday -- 100 for finishing tablework with my people.

We're a little stuck with the tablework stuff -- it's gonna be interesting to see where they'll go with the charatcers we've come up with and the choces and GCs and all that cool stuff. I'm so worried for Brian, I feel like I'm not giving him a fair turn at what is his first real acting experience.

Wednesday -- 100 for helping with the dance show. No worky on play-y.

Tuesday -- 100 for doing tablework with them again.

Brian really needs to start loosening up. He's so tense and there's no difference between him and his character. Ally's fine, just a little quiet. At least they're off-book and junk.

Monday -- 100 for the performance exit exam, gorging myself on amazing Ethipian food for the first time and helping do techie things for the dance show.

All of this stuff is such bullshit. As long as I didn't fail I think I'm good. Bigbootybigbootybigbooty

lalalalalala

Monday -- 100 for acting with le freshies and then cramming for the final. responding and blahblah. i really, really didn't get into it this time. wasn't feeling it at all and pretty much got into a pissing contest with brian. got the point of the exercise, but didn't execute it the way i should have. bad wording; you know what i'm trying to say.

trying to read through the script, come up with basic set sketches and junk, central images, everything. trying.

Tuesday -- 100 for taking the WRITTEN FINAL. i'm leaving!!

Wednesday -- 100 for starting actual tablework with my actors and figuring out where i need to purchase the rights for the play from. the internets rock.

what you were talking about in class really snapped me into motion, so to speak. i was really at a stand still until you explained how to go about the whole thing. i feel like i let brian talk too much. not like i'm trying to control him, but if he gets into the whole 'creating a character/i'm being an ac-TOR' thing it'll distract him from, you know, going off of what ally gives him down the road when he's trying to incorporate how kids treated him in elementary school or what has favorite sandwich is.

he's the primary focus of the tablework thus far but it's only because he has more lines and is waaaay greener (obviously), therefore needing more guidance. i think it's going alright and it's definitely a lot of fun.

and so it goes again and again and again

meisner is so depressing. never take that shit to heart.

100 for today, did some nasty-ass studying and some nasty-ass meisner with le freshmen. i really think they're going to be amazing. also, i need to do more so i can be better at it. it just did not feel right and didn't let anything hit me. peculiar feeling, man. sebastian already rocks so hard.

i haven't really studied for much this year and this feels quasi-not horrible. not really, but it'll happen.

it's all winding down and that is a horrifying, great feeling.

100 for today for rehearsal

100 for yesterday for having a part in mainstage and getting all accquainted with that!

It will be a long four months.

I mean five?! Fuck my life. HIgh school is stupid.

Anyway, 100 for getting a nice handwritten postcard from the guy I interviewed with in NY at UNCSA. He thanked me for "your nice email." Narg, life is good. Being accepted somewhere would be better. Plus filming.

ANyway, on to Master Harold and the Boys:

So yeah, Hally's a yuppie poophead with a sick father and the two workers are all blahblah i'm an uneducated minority, blahblah. blahblah, i can't articulate things well. nothing past that so far.

i hope you missed my enticing rhetoric.

feeeeeeeeeejsldklsf

100 for today for SMing the rehearsal today.

Journal tomorrow.

Master Harold

ifsjfldsjlkdjfskdjfksldjfdkslfjds I fucked up so badly last marking period.

100 for accepting TD position, participating awesomely in class, and finding a costume for the film (along with helping to film it).

I read the Preface, or little author's thing to Master Harold... today and it looks really intriguing. I've heard a lot about the racial divide in South Africa so I'm pretty siked to read it. Plus, I have a friend from Cape Town. Plus, Danny Glover was in it...how could it not be amazing?

It describes what the the play's about, and it gives a lot of background to the 'apartheid' (segregation) there around the time Athol Fugard was a young man; it was a lot like the American Civil Rights struggle except it lasted for hundreds of years and really had the biggest change when Nelson Mandela was elected to office. I did some googlinh and it's dissipated since then, so that's good.

kffffffffffffffffffdjlfdlksjkslfjklsfs

uncsa interview today, so 100 for that.

100 for this week for -- talking to Whitney Frazier yesterday and starting like an emaily relationship with her?, getting my letters of rec sealed, for starting my papers earlier this week. please don't fail me.

i wanted to go to the dance concert but my fucking interview was today too, so i couldn't. i need that fucking extra credit. goddamnit.

i'm a disappointment.

katelin said i should be hearing from them within two weeks of interviewing, so. craziness abound! wish meh luck.

let me just note, also, that on a whole my journals have been so uninspired and gross. i'm disappointed.

so, uh...today's first.

100 for really taking movement seriously and actually participating with dedication. I also realized just how weak I am. Like, really? I'm that fat that I feel tired after five real pushups? Really? But anyway, movement was super fun and I enjoyed making the dancers uncomfortable.

I did one of those horrible cries today because I'm going back and forth as to if I'll get into college or not. I really do not think I will, but I'm trying my fucking damnedest at this point.

AIA:

So Act II is getting pretty crazy with the AIDS, random park sex out of anger and frustration, Louis' emoness talking to Emily the Nurse, various fights between couples and such. It's pretty great.

Can I just say how beautifully this is written? I can't get over it, legit. Kushner is just unbelievably gifted and makes everything simultaneously relate-able and metaphorically complex. It's some good stuff. I might have to check out A Bright Room Called Day, I heard some stupid drama club in east brunswick did it.