dance showwwwwwwwwwww. so

100 for that. I love Cleo Mack

dance is dancy

100 for spa dance show.

o hai, tony kushner

it's a been a long day.

100 for taking in your advice like a boss and getting paid for the cmdp show, whaaaaaaat?

started reading angels in america and it's totally great. harper's totes out of her mind and louis and roy make my day. it's gonna be a great play. obviously. but i really can't wait till act II, cause waaaaaaaaaaaah, it's cool.

yup.

...yup.

Hahahahhhahahaha journals are cool.

Monday: 100 for staying afger for CMDP show.

Tuesday: 100 for seeing the two Pinter plays and not bieng conpletely fucking confused and loving it. Amazingawesomeness

Wednesday: 100 for totally applying to Rutgers and writing an entire essay in 6 hours. Yeaaaaah, about that.

Thursday: 100 for Mack tech.

Friday: 100 for Mack show.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooo yeah

oh yeah

and hayley needed her book back so i'm devoid of a reading source. i'll hopefully work this back up when i'm in new york fucking city for three weeks.

all of my journals for this week, so

monday: went to dance since someone's bitch ass was not there and bonded with some freshmen losers.

100 for doing my leader-ish thingaling and making sure no one got...hurt. unless they were dancing in which case it definitely was not my problem.

tuesday: 100 for preparing the talent show. and helping brian not explode.

wednesday: 100 for more preparation for the talent show, SEAN LEWIS and some crazy chick, and no cake??! cannot express how upset i was.

thursday: TALENT SHOW, 100.

One blog for many a day.

I don't remember what days I did blogs for if I did at all, so woo

Today: I deserve a 100 for...what? Being elected NTHS President, fully comprehending what was being taught, doing a kickass SOC, doing Brian's rehearsal report, and showing up your acting majors.

I didn't do any reading today, because I did a shitload of writing. Not online, of course. They'll be shown to you Monday, please don't kill.

10/14: 100 for doing some pretty insane Meisner and for falling asleep at 5:30 after going to NYC, I love you.

10/12: 100 for being an awesome student and going around with Casey doing Cipp's bitch work and having a kickass meeting with Bicsko.

I'm fucking pathetic when it comes to these, have mercy on me. For serious.

fuckfuckfukcfuck

i've done these sorts of rants for literally years.

it's not happening now, it will not change a thing.

good bye.

my brain is on fire (and please do not put a c on my progress report. please)

100 for beinga nice senior and going around doing shit for cip, getting my SAT waiver, and being an all-around good kid. because i am a good kid and i help you a lot. OH, and i have paying jobs with my principal. plus, i found a few good metaphors for my essays which are undeniably seksy. aaaaaand i'm pretty amazing. did i tell you that you looked really hot today, leakage and all?

so i started reading the african play, and i'll be completely frank; i had absolutely no fucking clue as to what they were talking about. completely, 100% no clue what was going on. i know there was a leader. i know there was a bird. beyond that, i'm completely lost. i'll give it another read on the train tomorrow, promisszzzzsz. for real, though

and i do not have to take the psats tomorrow. because i have already taken the sats. twice.

bitch.

yeeyuh for not getting a c. because if you give me a c on the progress report i'm cutting your fucking balls off, no jokes. not cool.

ummmmmmm. so my brain is literally shitting all over the floor

djklkgshrueieieieieiui

100 today for taking actual fucking initiative and writing six letters, and for. wait nope, that's it.

me reading and stuff is not happening tonight because (1) I just wrote for two fucking hours and (2) no. I'll do it, just not right now.

Things I need to do:

--Find a fucking wireless router because cake is having a design meeting sometime in the near future. AND I FUCKING NEED IT, fuck me.

--Make my portfolio.

--Finish off and print my letters.

--Finish my folders (yeah, they're not fully completed).

I cannot think. I want to go

bye

so my freshmen are adorable

and like five different types of awk.

100 today for like...actually trying in class? for being one of the first people be ripped apart through my essay. i have a lot of trouble with my 'to be' dilemma and plan to work on it. iiiiiiiii also plan to work on my not witing like a basket case policy. no bigs though

so, the freshmen learned more about acting, objectives, and 'text analysis.'

i started the first couple of pages of the pinter play, so there's that. it looks exestentialisty and bullshitty, if that makes any sense.

the song 'ladies who lunch' talks about pinter plays, and now i can be all, 'hey, i read one of those.'

you can stop reading this bullshit now, i'll really start blogging on a day that's not today.

ps: one of your babies is fucking fat. cute, though

deadly women is fucking retarded.

i am so tired.

100 today for helping gabe with his project, doing my video blog, and getting a thank you email form sarah brill. :) she's so freaking nice.

ummmmm. umumum.

i guess i was a basket case once. still am. i'll lay off.

...for the time being.

i'm at school.

hi.

so, today we took some nifty headshots and made some nifty goals and made some nifty posters that didn't suck.

i deserve a 100 because i took a better headshot than i planned and set feasibly achievable goals for the school year. i think.

and i was productive in my boredom for the first time in i don't know how long (finished buried child).

you know i love you, boy. hawt lyk mexaco, rejoice.

buried child was better than i thought it would be. fucked up. i don't really understand it.

so blahblahbalh they're fucked up and cut off from the world and that's made them all delirious and crazy, right? shelly and vinnie are like the strike of reasoning-filled lightning that gets turned into horrible life-senility at the end of the play?

just like that native american chick in august: osage county. character ripoff much, tracy letts? jeez.

reaaaaaaaaaaalllyyyy good play, i just need to give it a second read before i can start being all articulate about it, yknow? yeah. k.

or is this not making any sense whatsoever? don't mind me, i'm just your resident overweight robot.

kbye

gawgawoohlawlaw.

100 for extra sexy-ladyness and being super-photogenic in the photoshoot today. Also, for really actually letting go in the acting exercise today. I haven't really done that in a while.

Buried Child: Act I.

So, effed family 101. Kind of reminds me of a hybrid lovechild of August: Osage County and American Buffalo. Halie and Dodge are two old people in Illinois with three sons: Ansel (dead), Tilden, and Bradley (a gimp because of his own stupidity). The setting is an old farmhouse that's completely falling apart.

Dodge does awesome stuff like ignore his wife and watch TV while she begs him to take his pills and tells a story of when she used to be 'escorted' (what?). He's probably a closet drunk or something. Also, their son (Tilden) has been 'kicked out of New Mexico,' not doubting it's because of something weird since he decided to have to bright idea to sprinkle corn husks on Dodge while he slept.

They seem completely shut off from the outside world. Like something was sucked out of them and left them in a time warp of the 40s. I want to know what happens next.

i'm going to throw up all over you.

100 for today for taking the leadership position and initiating stuff getting done (or scaring brian? my b), having kickass work boots, and trying to figure out if I still have a showcase.

I got the student pass application, I just need a letter from someone from the school with the letterhead and seal saying that I attend the school and that I'm doing the internship form so-and-so date until so-and-so date.

I can't do that until it's finally set that I'm doing it. We'll discuss that tomorrow, I guess?

Also, my stepmom couldn't get in touch with the guy who might get me free passes, and if that does not work, I can get someone to front me the money by next week; I just need to know that it'll get fully paid back.

This probably isn't blog material, but fuck it. I'm gonna rock the shit out of Buried Child tomorrow, promise.

Btdubs, I'm very happy I have the child prodigy freshman.

sassy gay friend.

enough of me procrastinating, this is ridiculous.

this is going to be so interesting.

100 for knowing fully what we were talking about and participating. sure, it's a freshman-level lecture. sure, it was nfp vs. fp theater. but, you know...i'm not completely retarded. and i want to teach a musical theater lesson one day, you just say the word and i'll have a lesson plan, homes.

ummm, so. found all the prompts i needed to find for suny, u of a, rutgers, montclair, and north carolina (just a statement of purpose for the program and nothing for the college if i'm not mistaken).

here is my me-time paragraph. do with it as you wish, m'lady:

"Insecurity and 'unsureness' consumes me and insures my constant need for knowledge. The theater gives me a sense of family that's being reciprocated by a group of complete strangers. Calling shows is my art --- the clockwork of a show, even down to the millisecond, is what can make or break a person's experience at a show; by being a part of creating these moments, I become a part of what makes people the happiest, even though I mostly do it for myself. Sticking around art and artists tells me about the human psyche and keeps the remnants of my sanity somehow intact. Art is my what is in my life, and helping create it is what keeps me living."

lololololol that is so not five sentences

i guess i will start on buried child tomorrow? i shall email you for shits and gigs.

new year, new thing.

PG: whatever you're giving me. 89 if you're not counting it against me.

i don't know what there is to really talk about, if there really is anything.

starting college apps soon. schools where i'm applying are:

SUNY Purchase (Safe)

Montclair (Safe)

Ohio U (middle)

U of A (middle)

Rutgers (middle)

UNCSA (reach)

hopefully most early decision.

it's actually disgusting how fast time goes by in high school and how much time you don't actually have, and how many things you could have done. i refuse to reflect on this too much since it's a pointless fight with myself, but i didn't do enough. i pretty much failed. i didn't completely fuck myself like mike or glenn, but you know what? i disappointed myself and my teachers.

the way they graded fucking kills me, man. not cool. at least my freshmen have the better opportunity, i'm grateful for that. i can't really think right now.

here's to hoping the mainstage cast list is decent.

hollaheyha.

Last blog post.

Monday: 100 for realizing SAT-ness and how fucked I really am right now. Also, helped a bit during the really unorganized filming day 1 and stayed out of the way while I did some works.

Tuesday: 89

Wednesday: 100 for doing some work until being called out f class for like...a half hour to take a physical with an overweight, effeminate male nurse with a really sexy lisp. I was in Cleo Mack's (didn't want to disturb filming and be in their way).

Thursday: 100 for showcase proposal work with Louis, and doing more planning for the summer. A job will probably be crucial since my budget definitely won't cover transportation costs. Just have to explain that to the 'rents. Everything seems a little more solid at this point.

Friday: 100 for taking in Hamlet and actually, REALLY understanding what was going on. Louis really made it a lot easier to understand when he lectured for a bit at the end. I really found most of watching these films sort of pointless because there wasn't anyone there to guide us. I mean, out class isn't a bunch of lost puppies but we really do need the guidance. Feeling a little inadequacy there, but whatever. It happens.

So...as this is my last blog for the year, I thought I'd like to just say what I feel.

I'm really glad this year happened.

I realized the importance that leadership has on a group of teenagers.

I realized what I need to work on as far as me being a leader (or the lackthereof there).

I realized how much we used this year's seniors until they were completely, totally burned out.

We all still have a really long way to go. I'll probably edit this later if I think of anything better.

Biggest. learning experience. on earth.

Ackackackackackdon'tkillme

100 for today for the discussion with Louis about marketing and the proposal for my senior showcase. We talked about making a postcard for just my lovely self to send to Carol Thompson and other colleges and other awesome people to get myself out there. Am getting Scat Silvay to do my headshot.

Proposal as of now (need proper opening and closing, and more descriptiveness I guess. it's really vague and unconvincing, but I kind of have time to work on that):

To Whom it May Concern --

My time spent at the School of Performing Arts has allowed me to acquire a well-rounded education in all aspects of theatrical training, ready for a professional environment's cut-throat settings. With my chosen major being stage management, I am requesting a $500 grant for a senior showcase project assistant stage managing a professional play with Cake productions, Aloha, Say the Pretty Girls by Naomi Iizuka.

With the grant given me, I would be able to provide myself with transportation to and from rehearsals, technical rehearsals, and performances, along with funds for advetisements of my own to market my work and my current work to send to colleges and potential employers.

Cordially,

Chelsea Moroski

______________________________________________-

Yeah. 'Budget plan' as of now:

Student pass for one month from Iselin Metropark roundtrip: $290

Might bring bike to come in and out of Manhattan. If not, PATH train from Newark to Downtown for one moth: $180 (costs the same as the subway, only above ground and less rapey).

It's a rough plan for now.

It'll be worked on. Promise.

ThisistheonepartofmylifeIcancontrolThisistheonepartofmylifeIcancontrolThisistheonepartofmylifeIcancontrolThisistheonepartofmylifeIcancontrol

sggggggggggggggggggggggmkfmdsndsa

my stomach is throwing up on you

100 for fridsay for the dance show, 100 for today for the peer matinee.

ack

100 for dance show.

ejkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk i died

100 for dance show dress reahearsal

Please airlift me from this shithole.

What? Who said that?

Just kidding.

100 for Dance tech today.

aaaaaaaaaaark

100 for staying after for the dance show.

ilovemyshopilovemyshopilovemyshop

Hey, guess what? I love my shop.

PG: 89.

Hamlet: Act III, Scene II.

So blahblahblah, play. Hamlet's telling the cast members how to say the words and how to act. Unimportant crap happens. The show happens to be incredibly similar to what's happened to Claudius, Getrude, and Hamlet. The whole 'play' is a ploy to get Claudius to confess to what Hamlet know he did (kill Hamlet's papi). The whole charade leads up to Claudius becoming increasingly more guilty until he slips and confesses. He proceeds to have another hugeeee bitchfit (surprise, surprise!) and tell Gertie off. Poor Gertie.

_____________________________________________________

YAY WE'LL HAVE GUIDANCE AGAIN, YAY.

Yay.

I'm excited. :)

Journals for this week thus far.

I went to Ms. Cipperly and she said she had no clue that all this would be directed to her regarding homework. She told me she would call me down as soon as she knew, which is what I'm telling class tomorrow. She said she might be able to collect it and then send it to you. I don't know how that works. But, again, the genius of our school never ceases to amaze.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday: I honestly don't even remember what we did. 89

Tuesday: I got inducted in the National Technical Honor Society and got a pretty dress. 100

Wednesday: 100 for being split up and really, thoroughly researching colleges.

U of Miami is out (It's huge; 15,000 students in the hell hole that is Florida? No), Syracuse U is a maybe, Penn State definitely (since I've been getting stuff from here anyway), Ohio U is a yes. Will apply to Calarts and/or CMU if I have the money left over (because of the slim chance of me getting into either).

Safe schools being U of Arts (really? that seems pretty prestigious) and Montclair.

My top two schools at the moment are UNCSA and MSGA. They cost the same given not living on-campus at UNCSA and the campuses and atmosphere are small and tight-knit with waaaaaay too many connections and awesome flowing throughout both.

------------------------------------------------------------------

So, hopefully, this shop will be better soon. Just saying.

Teenagers are fucking stupid. Even in our shop. We have the perfect mix of not enough preparation and feeling just THAT entitled that it creates this amazing, comforting atmosphere conducive to a learning environment. End tiny rant.

Oh, and one more thing. I don't want to be like my mom and I'm just like her. No wonder I feel like I'm losing friends.

I love this shop.

I don't like this anymore.

100 for doing the speed through with Ashley and Victoria. Scarlett assisted very awesomely. Also, for being volunteered by someone else for my not job. I have a small taste of what the competent seniors must feel every day.

Such awesome has been spread. I love coming to school!

get me out of here

I'm reading Hamelt in English. We didn't read anything today. I'm switching to Hamlet.

Hamlet: Act III, Scene I; up to page 7.

So Gertie and the new King are asking Ophelia to be all up in Hamlet and have her see what's up with him, and blahblah. He goes freaking insane and tells her off and tells her how she needs to go to a nunnery, and how much of a skank she is. Only when she was trying to be nice? God, way to be a douche. Now she's gonna go coocoo crazy. And whose fault is that, whiny bitch? Also read the 'To be or not to be' speech. Just Hamlet being emo.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Participation: 100 for finding a nice $23 porfolio case and heavily researching schools.

North Carolina School of the Arts, MSGA, Ohio U, Calarts, Penn State. I would like to apply to these. Along with safe schools.

I want college now.

Can I have it?

Stayed after for the open house.

A kid who came knew Kelsey. Wooot.

100 for staying after for that.

Eating things my mema makes me is always comforting.

Nomnomnomnomnomnom.

Our class is losing drive. Some people come to class late or just don't come in and I want to punch a wall. I'll email you later.

PG: 89.

Twelfth Night journal coming later.

I'm realizing how much this year's sophomores trump my class.

That's disappointing.

It totally doesn't look like it now, but I have so much faith in them and I'm really proud of them. Travis and Scarlett are both efficient geniuses, and I really think Zari will flourish in some sort of management or producing position. She looks really excited.

So I was creeping through blogs today, and I found Travis's. futurestagemanager? OWWWWWWWW. I feel really guilty now. Whatevs. I still want to manage Comedy of Errors.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

From yesterday. Never finished it. Still stands, though. Inadequacy is hot.

100 today for the senior meeting being successful and planning more for the dance show and trying to assign jobs for that. And only stupidity in small quantities.

I hate this. I want this year to be over. This is so...great. I cannot convey to you how scared I am. Not in a positive way. I mean in some ways, yeah. But Jesus. I got a taste of what my class considers standing on its own two feet and that petrifies me like no other.

I'm unbelievably disappointed.

May 5th, 2010.

I'm going to college. Why am I not a senior? Why?

So I'm making a tiny request for today's PG and today's PG only. I read this guideline called "Stage Managers Do Make Coffee" and I like...jizzed. I'm studying Hamlet enough in English and I'd really like to blog about this today and still get a grade. That cool beans?

“Keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you.”

http://www.mts.net/~skirzyk/SMscoffee.htm#Introduction

By Carissa Dollar. What a godsend this lady is.

One: What's a deck manager?

Two: Holyshitholyshitholyshit yaaaaaaaaaay. This is the best handbook on the planet. Now I know what to put in my SM box. This lady spews good advice from her asshole and I love it. She keeps talking about SMing a musical. Now I want to SM one.

I need to get more first aid supplies and stuff. My mom has to take a first aid class every school year, so I'll ask if I can register? So I can get some kind of certification. I wonder if I'd be old enough at that point (17).

So, I plan to suck at the teat of these rules. And I'm rereading everything before I start COE. Haha, Coe. Travis will have fun next year

"My 10 Golden Rules of Stage Management

1. Learn From Mistakes. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes as we practice our crafts. The best thing anyone can do is to analyze these situations and learn how to avoid making the same mistake again.

2. Don't Panic! Always remain calm, cool and collected. Never, Never yell. All Stage Managers should know the difference between raising their voices to be heard and yelling. If the Stage Manager loses it, everyone will panic.

3. Safety First! The cast shouldn't set foot on the stage unless you would walk on it barefoot. Inspect the set daily for potential problems. Are all stairs and platforms secure? Are all escapes adequately lit and glow taped? Do you know where the first aid kits and fire extinguishers are located? Who is certified in CPR and First Aid? The SM should be!

4. Plan & Think Ahead. What can be done to avoid problems? How can the Stage Managers make life easier for everyone?

5. There Are No Dumb Questions. It is better to ask and fell silly for a few seconds than to cause a disaster later.

6. Prioritize Tasks & Delegate Authority. One person can't do everything. Why do we have assistants if we don't use them?!

7. Early Is On Time. The SM should always be the first person in and the last person out of the theatre for a meeting or rehearsal. I always try to show up about 15 minutes before I really think I need to be there, just in case traffic is bad or any problems or delays occur.

8. Put Everything In Writing. In other words, be a communicator! Dated daily rehearsal notes aid in communication and help to avoid conflicts over when requests or changes were made. (Voice mail and email are also great forms of communication! Get a pager or cell phone so you are easy to reach at all times!)

9. Please & Thank You. Use these word everyday, especially when you are working with volunteers.

10. Stage Managers DO Make Coffee. They also do a million other menial tasks that are meant to make people happy and boost morale. Buy donuts, bake brownies, make sure birthdays are recognized, and hole-punch all paperwork. These little things are really appreciated by everyone."

I can't wait to start Comedy of Errors. I'm freaking excited to SM a shakespeare. It's gonna be so challenging. And flipping cramazing.

With all of the stuff I've learned this year, I think I've become more of a professional and a bit more independent. I want it to be a lot smoother. And with more cues. A loooooooooooooot of cues. Next year will be a doozie of a mindfuck.

PG: 100 for portfolio discussion today with Matt Silvay. I now know what I need and how to do it, thanks to him. I really need to spruce up my books, they're really messy. And the Carissa lady told me what else I needed (in addition to what Matt said), so yeah. I'm doing that as we speak. Well as I type, really.

My mom's birthday is tomorrow. She's old.

Bye.

Today was the least productive day ever. Ever.

I'm not doing an actual journal. So sorry.

A few things, not at all related to eachother:

So I registered for the SATs today. I'm gonna vomit.

I feel really unprepared. I'm gonna ask seniors for portfolio help tomorrow, I think.

Travis wins at life. His Uncle Vanya cold read with the sophs was so fucking precious, like, not being a bitch or sarcastic. Their class pwns ours by a long shot.

I WANT TO BE IN MASON GROSS SO BAD.

Why the fuck am I still in high school?

I hate everyone in this shop. Just saying.

Madonna always brightens my mood.

I'm worried.

Really, really worried. I think we did something really wrong. It has to get better at some point.

100 for placing second in the PSA contest and winning $300 for school.

Comedy of Errors later.

My socks don't match.

100 for helping film the Teen Safety Initiative thing and for taking a leadership position in class.

Never a dull day.

Next week's gonna be sweeeeeeeeeet.

Back to real journals.

It's like actual school. What?

So I started Hamlet, and then got your email. Sooooooooooooooo, Comedy of Errors time.

So Egeon's really upset and junk because he's going to be executed for not paying a fine. He's telling the Duke of what happened to him and his family. Super sad, actually. So he's happy and with a wife and junk, and she has twins (two boys). The same day, some really poor chick has twin boys that Egeon takes to be his son's slaves. Egeon's family goes on some sort of sea voyage, and the boat was hit by a crazy tsunami of death, leaving Egeon saving his own life at one side of the boat and his wife with one slave and one son at the other, having their lives saved. He never saw his children or wife after that. After he confesses his horrible story, he's granted one more day to pay his fine so he won't be executed.

That's where I stopped.

__________________________________________________

I'm guessing I'll have to become more apathetic about things like this. Not ambivalent like I thought. Just apathetic. Madonna makes me feel better. My nail polish is chipping. So is my sanity.

PG: 100 for holding my own against my class and explaining why doing one big film is a bad idea and trying to have them not get married to the idea and to not be dogmatic about it, and trying to make sure things didn't get discombobulated. I think today everyone who's awesome should get a 100. Just saying.

I think I'm making the right decision by separating myself from my class. They really haven't proven themselves to be independent or efficient enough to actually put up a showcase on their own, which I think this year's mainstage was supposed to prepare them to do. Since I'll be learning independently with internships and junk, why not start now? Really. It can't do much damage. I'll SM the actual production and help out if I'm there, but other than that...not so much.

Next year's going to blow. Huge. But I'm still excited to get the fuck outta hur and do my own showcase.

And do my portfolio.

I think I might be more excited for this Freshmen Showcase than I was for my own.

Anyway, though. I need to get in contact with some of these companies ASAP.

Btdubs, I saw Lou in school today. Woop.

I FORGOT TO JOURNAL YESTERDAY. Crap

100 for yesterday for fulling striking the show and seeing Colin and Brad at the state theater.

100 for today for cleaning up the auditizz and figuring the whole thing out with the skype or googlechat thing. We're going to Bicsko on Monday morning; my bad for thinking Mike could competently do an errand.

HOLY GOD I'M GOING TO COLLEGE!!!

I want to be out of this shithole.

So I didn't blog yesterday.

So I should get an 89 for yesterday; really didn't do anything today.

Today: 100 for coming back during my other classes and helping strike.

...I'm saving my anger for another blog. I just want to say that the morning class is a huge disappointment.

Honestly(thoughts from the past week that have all come together in this fantastic blog)?

Below are the thoughts I've had over this past week. The shit's hitting the fan, ladies and gents. So is my brain.

If you don't want to hear a classic complaining blog, then don't read it. It's the fucking Catalina wine mixer.

____________________________________________________

AAAAAAAAAAAHKFHSKJFHSKSKFHJSHDKSJK

ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED, YOU STUPID BITCH?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! REALLY?! REALLY.

God.

Rude? You're a conceited, idiotic ingrate who can't tell professionalism from being a 'liddle bitch.' Spelled 'little' wrong, champ. You're 17. good job!

You're the reason I feel fucking inadequate at this job, and I've been scared to actually tried to do anything else. Why? Because I know I'll actually do it wrong and the show will fail and it will partially be my fault.

But either way, isn't that what's going to happen?

People like you shouldn't be in this business. EVeryone else in your situation learned, because they don't have a thick skull. You feel like you should be respected? Respect your peers first. I'm just as stubborn as you.

BUT MOTHERFUCKING WAIT. Isn't this what is killing my performance in this show? That I'm not respecting the people who don't know? My stubbornness is ruining it. I'm sorry.

No, I'm not. Fuck you. FUCK YOU. Scared, immature moron.

I'm scared. I'm not going to do it right.

You fucking retard, I won't let you control me. I don't know why I get so upset \.

I feel realy guilty when I see someone else working and I'm not. When I see Lea working and I catch myself just jacking off talking to someone. I feel bad. She probably thinks I'm a fucking moron, and I would really like to have that contact, not to mention her respect being a guest artist.

And when I care too much, I stop caring. I'm not trying, and it scares me a lot. I'm trying to try. Wow. I'm fucking pathetic.

I'm not getting upset about when things go wrong. I feel bad that I'm not freaking out like Aladren does every day. That I'm not having mini fucking coronaries when those people came, among other things.

That I can't lead anyone for jack shit. When the republicans came, Matt complete held the reins and I just stood there. Why? Why can't I be more like him? And defend myself and the program when we need it the most?

All I do is bitch and complain and joke around, and nothing really gets done under my supervision.

Technically, the whole production was under 'my supervision', but I know that Matt, Travis, and Sisco did it. Just like the Senior SHowcase.

Chelsea is just the one you have to watch so when she freaks out, you can really get the job done. She can't do it. If you're reading this right now, please listen to Matt, Travis and/or Sisco. They actually know what they're doing, even if I say I am, I honestly don't.

I feel like I just stand there and tell actors to shut up, and I can't even do that correctly. The seniors and Aladren have to tell them to be quiet. I can't even handle 30 fucking teenagers, let alone managing myself and professionals. If my peers could professionally stage manage, how come I can't handle this one show?

I don't have any fucking answers. Mother of fucking God.

And when people say 'Seniors to the Rescue!' and talk about how the seniors really did this mainstage, what do they expect me to say? And why are they surprised when I have breakdowns?

I won't be fucking surprised if she fucking gives up on me by the end of N3RD. I let them down. Honestly.

Oh my God.

I can't concentrate on more than one thing at a time. The SM and directing muscles are so copletely different; I can't do it simultaneously.

I didn't jump in directing-wise at all, but I think I need to ease myself into it. And by the way, I love the mind games and manipulation directors pull. It's awesome to watch, and I want to try it. Even if it looks/sounds like I don't want to, I REALLY, really do. For realsies.

P.S. Javi's pretty awesome and I love him.

You know it's been a bad day when I'm listening to fucking Kelly Clarkson covers.

shdjkhajkfhsakjhsakfhsdfkhdsjfsdhfjksfhdsjfkds

I'm blogging for fuck's sake. And procrastinating. Surprise.

It is scary that I am passing things on to absorbent little sponges and then watching my teacher spew her brains to mush.

Thought that should be known.

The people who attend my school are stupid and will carry on the Slow-Tech stigma until we all die. I hate them. Yes, all of them. Except for me and 45% of SPA.

You want to join the GSA, say you're 'bisexual,' and call things 'ghay?' You're an insipid douchebag. The meaning doesn't change because you added an H, you fucking ingrate. Go. fuck. yourself. You call me fat? You weigh more than me and can't tell the difference between 'your' and 'you're.' Lay off the nutella and skinny jeans, overachiever.

Oh, and by the way, when you wrote "Grammer fail! Hahahahhaazzzz" you spelled GRAMMAR wrong. Step it up, champ. Middlesex might not accept you.

I swear, I hope no one reads these but Aladren.

Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooi'mgonnabeasenior.

So I was googling N3RD and found a New Zealand college production. Makaela/Leslie fail. For realsies.

I like grapes and harmonies.

My hands are shaky.

I'm pretty sure I'm certifiably insane. No jokes, I need meds. Like, Bella-dosage meds.

My soul feels like it's been gang raped. This whole 'social interaction' thing the kids are talking about is a little too complicated for me. These highs and lows are making me very tense.

My lack of reading comprehension is scary. Hopefully, medication would help that. I mean, if I get one main point of a passage, I hang on to that for dear life. And then I am so incredibly knocked away. It's distressing.

MR. SCHUSTER, YOU ARE NOT BLACK. STOP IT.

Prod my brain with a sharp pokey stick. I fucking dare you.

I do not enjoy being creepy. At all.

Princesssssssss this shit up.

This is some shit.

Should I be blogging? I'll do it.

PG: 100 for PMing my movie, helping getting everything set up, and talking to both Brown and Dr. Mazz to get things set up for panel (Mr. Sac asked me about it today. Mr. fucking SAC. He me about this new technology that xbox is coming out with; like Wii to the extreme. It sounds awesome). And continuously being at 100% on the awesomeosity scale at all times.

I am not going to do any dramaturgy junk today just for the sheer fact that I think I deserve a break. Is that bad? Am I shitting on my work ethic? Fuck it.

I have so much to do. Literally, I'm in a whirlwind of flying feces---the feces being all of the crap I have to do. Pun definitely intended.

I want to go to college. I want to go to college. I want to go to college.

I'm fucking DONE with high school. I've overpaid my dues. I'm usually not this uppity about this kind of stuff, but I've done what I have to do. I love it at SPA, but I want to go to a place where people don't bring foghorns or are 14 and pregnant. I feel like I'm in a fucking...monkey pit or something. A pit of chimpanzees. Not to say that the entire school is full of ruhtards, but oh my God.

You'll find people like this everywhere, but it's still fun to hope you'll be somewhere different soon.

America's Next Top Model has changed. Sadness ensues.

I want more princess lessons.

I hope my teacher doesn't get sick.

I, I, I. Me, me, me.

Too late? Probably. Hopefully not on all fronts.

(First blog on the netbook, hollaheyha)

And WHAT is it with variety firing their theatre and film critics? Like, what?

So about that

100 for taking in Citizen Kane. Trying to devour what I can for now; it's a lot to take in all at once.

I have learned this marking period to not procrastinate because it got me absolutely no where. At all. I felt so bad when I learned what other people's schedules were. Like, I don't complain about the workload too much I don't think, but I'm not completely silent about it. I found out people that have never complained once have fucking hectic schedules. Fun stuff. Wow, man. Way to sound like a complete doucher.

I'm scaring myself into not becoming one of the past seniors. I can honestly say I've learned from their mistakes, and that lack of self-confidence will never work for me. I'm trying now. I'm gonna try and create something, I think. If I don't, I don't, but it would be nice.

I need to get my bangs trimmed.

Being a robot shat out of the American educational system will not be in my future, I fucking swear.

And also, 100 for Wednesday for Francesca's workshop. I liked it a lot more the second day, everything was eased in more and more. I learned more than I thought I would, but I still prefer Aladrenian methods.

I'm going to have freshmen soon. I need to prepare. Don't fuck up. Be excited.

And ALSO, 89 for Tuesday for taking and flunking the history test. Didn't try at all this marking period.

I still love art, though. It's better than cookies.

Oh boy. I don't like journaling much anymore.

I haven't even started them yet.

100 for Francesca's workshop. I worked and got notes; too bad the ADD kicked in and I'm pretty sure she looked mad because I kept like...spacing when she gave me notes. I must've had the hugest douchey, lackadaisical face on me. Like, completely blank. Sucky deal, but whatevs. I had fun.

She makes me nervous and she has weird hair. I like Aladren's methods more.

SOC about pretentiousness and other things. Good read, I must say:

"I can feel myself becoming pretentious. I don't like where this is going; I honestly don't. I hope I can change, cause I was liking who I was becoming for a few minutes. It was nice. I think I'm surrounding myself with better people who I'm trying to be the real me around. I'm happy I'm finding my voice writing-wise, but you know what? I'd love for that to match the exterior.

I hope God is one sick fuck, or I won't be getting into heaven. For my sake.

Do I sound like Ari See? What a pathetic fuck. I'm just glad I didn't end up like that. God.

STOP COMPLAINING, YOU CUNT.

I want to start the mainstage. I remember freshman year, Ari used to write about 'what inspired her that day.' I mean, GOD. You can't be inspired every day, can you? Stimulation overload.

On Saturday, I went to help my Mema do crap cause she got out of the hospital. I found out that my rich, smart, liberal aunt and uncle would be there. It got me really nervous. They are articulate in conversations, and I want to throw words up when I'm around people like that. They were talking about the bajillion places they've traveled recently, and how my cousin is doing really well and traveling, and I freaked out. So I didn't say anything. Neither did my mother; I guess she realized her life fails as much as mine does compared to them right now.

When I did talk, I sounded like a fucking imbecile. And plus I didn't have any makeup, perfume, and didn't shower that day cause I thought I didn't have to impress anyone. God fucking damnit. I HATE THAT. I choke up for wanting to sound smarter but end up looking like more of an asshole in the end? What IS that? Jesus in heaven.

Speaking of him/her/it, I still need to formulate all of THOSE opinions. Like, you know ones that I've been previously pretty ambiv about. Like legit? What do you care about me caring about something? What's your problem? Go pray or not pray and enjoy your life, and go away. No of your business, douche.

Is it stupid that I feel stupid for believing in something? That I feel it's useless? That I'll be psychologically bullied into buying into my friends' beliefs or eventually find out that what I've invested good thinking time in is all a lie? That it's just residual catholic guilt I haven't shaken off yet?

And fucking all of these TRAGEDIES. God, really. I feel like helping people around me first before being a maverick and going on some power trip to save the world. Why would you do that? It's SO dumb.

I guess that's why we have art. It's therapeutic and cathartic and cleansing and I really like it a lot. If I could help one person, that would be great.

Then what will dramaturgy do to help people? How will massaging my ego through writing and expanding upon my opinions and knowledge help any person other than myself? I am REALLY fucking selfish. At least with artists, they're helping people with their brain farts or masterpieces. In some way. It's beautiful. I love art. It's fucking awesome.

I feel that if I ever wanted to go through my like...soul to find something to create, I feel it's cut off and that I hinder impulses. Because I know that the end result won't be good enough.

But what's good enough? I don't understand how it can just come out of you. How do you do that?

I feel TEARS welling up in my eyes. What the hell is this? Some chickflick bullshit?

I remember seeing Brian O'Mahoney's status once saying the lyrics from the dresden dolls song night reconnaissance. it was something like 'there's nothing more cruel than children who come from good homes.'

That pisses me off SO much. Amanda Palmer FAIL. One, you're like thirty, shut the fuck up. Two, YOU ARE SO PRETENTIOUS. What the eff is WRONG with you?

Why does pretentiousness bother me so much?

I love my friends. Most of them.

I want to keep writing. I don't know if I should.

I'll save it for later. I like these self-talks.

You're disgusting and no one and no one will ever love you.

I'm pretty sure that sentence ^^^ was the backstory of why I suck and why I say I suck. It happens.

Shit happens. Rhyme."

AND END SOC!